After years of scientifical research and bad science journalism it emerged yesterday that living people were at greatly increased risk of heart attacks.
"To be honest, I went to arts college, and I don't have any medical or science qualifications, yet I write on medical and science issues for a major national news outlet. There's really no reason my opinions should count for more than anyone else's just because I'm a journalist. Sometimes I just stare at myself in the mirror in the morning and wonder what I've done with my life." Health journalist Harry Dickcheese told our roving newsbot yesterday.
The research took two groups, living people and dead people, to the researchers surprise the dead people suffered no heart attacks at all. This is thought to tell us something about heart attacks, they happen to living people, not dead ones.
"At first we didn't understand the data, then we realised we'd been looking in the wrong places for that elusive group that doesn't suffer from heart attacks. Then it hits you, the dead don't suffer from heart attacks, when have you ever seen a fresh corpse grab hold of it's chest, make a face like Ren Hoek then fall to the floor like a sack of shit? Exactly, you haven't, because they don't have heart attacks." Professor Bryan Najiwaffoor of the Birmingham school of bum and heart sciences told our roving newsbots on Monday.
Heart disease is only over for those who are dead.
Personally my perspective on this is that smug yoghurt eating yoga performing pricks are risking a punch in the fucking face because they're so insufferably annoying. Hope you have dental insurance fuckface.