London, England, Second Circle of Hell.
Boris Johnson yesterday invited controversy when he claimed that some British murderers were just too stupid to get away with their crimes.
"Look, we have to face facts that over 100% of people dragging a disabled man from his home, kicking him to death, dragging his body one hundred feet down the road in front of CCTV then setting it alight and dancing around it like a head-hunter are probably quite thick. Did they hide the body inside? Did they use acid to dispose of it? Did they dismember it with tools? No, because they're thick and if they weren't thick then they probably wouldn't have been caught in the first place." Mr Johnson told our roving newsbot yesterday.
But Boris's comments sparked fury from the UK Equalities Commission yesterday who claimed that someone should be able to brutally slay their fellow man even if they are themselves dumber than a bag of retarded hammers.
"We deeply resent the idea that just because you have the IQ of a drunken amoeba you can't murder an innocent man just because you think he might be a nonce. In modern Britain everyone is a potential murderer including ethnic and/or religious minorities, homosexuals and yes even the massively colossally stupid. To suggest otherwise is just outdated elitism. Although they probably shouldn't have dragged the body around outside where the CCTV operators couldn't bloody well miss it." said a spokesgit for the Equalities Commission yesterday.
Meanwhile questions were asked about why the police arrested the man when it was he who complained of harassment and vandalism in the first place. Not to mention why they returned him to his house then made no effort what so ever to reassure his neighbours that he was not in fact a right fucking nonce.
"Yeah, I can see it now, in retrospect we probably should have explained he was taking those pictures as evidence of vandalism not to beat off to later. Then we might have avoided them brutally kicking his head in." PC Kevin Oik told our newsbot.
Meanwhile the UK guberment issued guidelines to the police on how to deal with people being harassed by stupid neighbours.
1: Don't arrest them, arrest the idiots.
2: Don't fail to point out that they were investigated and explicitly found not to be a nonce if that is indeed the case.
3: Don't put them back next door to a bunch of degenerate knuckle draggers who will kill them because of reasons. Reasons like, he had a beard, he looked like a nonce, I knew he was guilty he had a moustache and everything.
4: Don't ignore them when they phone the police eight hundred fucking times saying they don't feel safe in their own home.
5: It's Pedogeddeon son. Forget about it.
They all so issued a brief statement which read as follows. “The Gumberment of Wrongland, Whales, Irelund and Scroatland will not tolerate our citizens being harassed in this manner. It's US Internet surveillance and long angle lenses or nothing!”